“What the hell am I doing with my life?”
“Who am I? What characteristics or traits define me? What are my beliefs? What in life do I value most?”
These are a couple of questions I have been asking myself with more and more increasing frequency. I’m almost 20 years old, shouldn’t I have a bit more clarity as to who I am as a person? Instead, I feel as if I have never been more confused in my life.
Well, that makes some sense because my life has changed drastically. Left the safety net that was school for a college that was thousands of miles from home. Left my inhibitions ( or rather suppressed them ) and became more social ( quite an understatement ). Transitions are never easy. As Asimov humorously puts it; Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
Writing always helps me think more clearly so here I am. My life is probably not as chaotic as it feels to me. I made it into and miraculously survived the first year of college. I made a decent number of friends. A few really great ones. Had some exciting new experiences that come with joining college and that new-found freedom. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but when things got rough I dealt with them with a level of maturity that, frankly, surprised me.
So why this inner turmoil?
I guess I would attribute it to self-doubt. I don’t believe in myself as much as I should. There. I said it. Or rather, wrote it. But whatever. I know. I know. There is so much that I have accomplished that I should be proud of, as people keep telling me. With those people I’d like to share an anecdote. In my school there used to be these parent-teacher conferences. Nothing new about it, most schools have them.So twice a year, my parents would go meet my teachers to talk about how I was doing, academically, socially and so on. Now, most kids dreaded these meetings but not me. Every year my parents would come back and sit me down to discuss the feedback my teachers gave. It was pretty much the same. I was doing decently in my academics, participated in a few events ( hardly ever won ) and talked everyone’s ear off.What I’m getting at is the word that came up every year – ” Potential”. She’s got so much Potential! What I heard was that I was merely average. Every year I would do a little better and still get the same word. That word is imprinted in my mind. In a way, it’s a good thing. I have a strong desire to achieve greatness the feeling of being average is stifling. Which brings me to a simple solution. All I have to do is to work hard and not lose sight off my goal.
As to who I am, that is a far more difficult question to answer. I see myself as a good person. I’m generally honest. I would call myself caring. I would do anything for a friend. I also see myself as a smart person. I was gifted with a pretty agile mind. I value intellect and hard work, although the latter doesn’t come easily to me. I’m strong-willed and I generally don’t conform to ideas just because they are socially acceptable. I’m slightly crazy and open to new experiences. Major flaws that I have would be Insecurity and lack of self-love which I already addressed above. In addition to that, I’m extremely lazy. I can, and have, spent entire days laying with my laptop. I can be a little bipolar and I often jump into things with both feet.
But mostly I’m just confused about what’s right and what’s not. I hate the grey area, things were so much simpler when they were black and white. Our generation has an ” anything goes” or this “chalta hai” attitude that kinda scares me. It’s so easy to get carried away. All lines are blurred and that’s why I feel the need to figure out my boundaries.
Aristotle said that knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. Let’s see how far I go.